I might regret this...

Ok folks. So it's definitely been awhile since my last post, and I'm sorry for that. So much has happened and changed in my life that I wouldn't even know where to begin. Rather than recap everything, I'm just going to go into where I'm at now. It's been a strange kind of week and I felt like I needed to share this Facebook message I sent a dear friend of mine. It kinda gives y'all an idea as to where I'm at with life, and it's incredibly personal and intimate. I haven't changed the message except to remove names, that's all. That being said, WARNING, there is some strong language ahead (that's a heads-up to you, Mom)!


November 15-
Hey friend! Ok, so it's 11:30 pm right now, I have work at 7:00 am...but I have a lot on my mind and just need to write it out and I know that here is a safe place! Ok,here goes!

So, I have been seeing this guy for the past two months now. Fantastic guy, attractive, smart, funny, nerdy, wonderful...not Christian. Like how I put that at the end there? Yeah, so, things were good and chill. After about a month I had the "I'm a Christian" conversation, which I'd previously been fairly clear about but just wanted to affirm that he did indeed understand. He was totally understanding, telling me that though he himself was not currently "religious", he'd had a Christian upbringing and in no way wanted to take me away from my faith, seeing how important it is to me. I appreciated that and all was well...

Last night, after a rather lovely however brief make out moment, I had the "I'm saving myself till marriage" chat. Though he had kinda suspected that I was a virgin (I'm incredibly awkward around guys...), he didn't know when that conversation was going to come up. Granted, he also thought I would simple say I was a virgin...not that I had no intention of sleeping with him till he put a ring on it.

Now, before I continue, I want you to know that he is such an amazing guy, truly! He's so incredibly sweet, respectful, and understanding! He's also a dude, a dude who has never been in a no-sex relationship. As we talked about the bomb I just dropped on the night, me shaking like a leaf as I tried to remain calm and collected, I made it clear to him that I didn't want to screw him over by, well, not screwing him. I know that sex is a key part of any romantic relationship. I told him to think about it, as I'd be more than content to continue down the path we were headed...which would ultimately lead nowhere but would be fun in the moment. I told him that if he decided that he wasn't up for that, if that would make him feel too uncomfortable, than I'd respect his feelings and totally understand.

We talked today, and we've decided to be "just friends".

Is it ideal? Meh. Is it for the best? yeah, probably.

Here's why I can't sleep though: I like this guy. I like him a LOT! And what pisses me off is that this one thing, this no-sex thing, is ultimately what caused this relational demise. He is not some freaky horn-dog, so it sucks even more, because I, a nearly 22-year-old virgin, can't understand why people need sex for a relationship to work. Yes, I would absolutely love to have sex with him...but not while we're in a place of semi-commitment to one another. I'm an all-in kinda gal; I be needing that ring before anyone gets all up in this!

What also pisses me off is that, after telling a couple friends and my folks who know or know of him, they've all said, "Well, if he'd REALLY cared for you, it wouldn't have mattered to him whether or not you have sex.". false, I call BullShit! If anything, I think him calling it quits means he cares enough (cared enough?) to not put me in an awkward position of wanting to be everything for him and wanting to keep that promise to myself. I think it took balls for him to actually decide that and follow that up by saying that he actually genuinely wants to still be friends. Because we like each other, not just romantically (probably no longer romantically..), but as people too. I wouldn't want to never speak to him again because I enjoy being with him...that's kinda why we started seeing each other in the first place!

More than anything else though, I'm furious at/proud of myself for sticking to my values. Yeah, hurray for my hymen...you'll live to see another day, whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. Seriously though, I know that as much as I would have loved to sleep with him, I would regret it one day. It does kill me a little that I'm so damn committed to my future husband (God-willing...puhleeeeese!) right now that I can't just let go and do what all dem other kids be doin'. Though, it's not just for Mr. Future Husband, it's for me too. It's for God, as frustrating as that feels sometimes.

I know I did right by telling him, difficult as the conversation may have been. He knows I did right, and made sure to tell me that he had a lot of respect for me for sticking to my values. And God knows I did right. Why does Right have to suck so much sometimes?

It might as well be Wingdings...

I was up rather early this morning (ok, 7:30) getting ready to meet a few of my co-workers at work to watch the Canada vs. US hockey game. First and foremost, Canada won! Huzzah! So, we're all sitting around and a trailer plays for a new film coming out this year called "Noah". Obviously, it's about Noah, like biblical Noah and his ark. As the trailer is playing, the only going through my head is, "Dang, they have some terrific actors lined up for this; I hope they do the story justice". I could hear my co-workers murmuring something about not knowing the story and trying to figure out what it's about. Naturally, I chirp up and say, "It's the Bible story of Noah and the ark", suddenly proud to have some Bible knowledge, however basic that answer was. My manager looks at me and says, "Well, then, I won't be watching that." Kind of taken aback, I ask why not, thinking it was more of a stick-it-to-the-Man motive. She looks at me and said in total seriousness, "I don't understand all of it, all that Jesus Christ nonsense". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and while everyone continued their rowdiness as the game came back on, the only thing I could think of was that people don't understand the Bible.

I know that such an obvious thing that I should understand, having attended public school my entire life and being friends with a surprising number of...hooligans, for lack of a better word. But after the past few years being so fully immersed in a Bible-culture, it was suddenly such a strange thought to realize that most people don't "get" the Bible.

Afterall, we're not just talking about cool stories that you read and move on afterwards; we're talking historical accounts about real people in real situations talking to...a real God? What? I mean, from an outside perspective, I'm totally fine with the idea that the Bible is based on facts, accurate historical tellings. However, when you insert God, and all that that implies, it kind of changes things, doesn't it? It's no longer simply a "story" or "history", it's "religious" and that throws people for a loop. 

I began thinking that it's kind of as if some people read the Bible as if it's written in the font Wingdings; you know that those little symbols mean something, but you haven't the foggiest clue as to what! I used to try to write secret messages to people using Wingdings, but would just end up confusing myself as I tried to "re-read" what I wrote, which is nearly impossible...unless you're fluent in Wingdings!

 Anyways, so after thinking about this, I started wondering, "How do we un-wingding-ify the Bible so it makes sense without getting all religious?". How do you take something as beautiful and sacred as the Bible and simplify it quickly enough that even those with a miniscule attention span can hear what you're saying and actually take it in? What's more, should I have used that opportunity to try to explain things to my co-workers and manager? Sure, the hockey game was on and things were getting pretty intense, but shouldn't the Bible be something that we can talk about easily, rather than dredging on and on about? I don't know and I'm really just blabbering now, but it certainly got me thinking! Anyone have any suggestions?