...

There's no real point nor message behind this blog. Simply felt like writing...

So, I'm learning how to play guitar. "Play" is a relative term, however; I know four chords and am physically capable of strumming the guitar. This past week, the base put on a 24/7 prayer rota, my prayer shift being 11pm-12am everyday. Surprisingly, it was during those times I felt the most refreshed and rejuvenated. I would begin every hour by reading Psalm 29 and then proceed to play and sing songs...loudly, off beat, and occasionally off-key. How Great Thou Art has become one of my favorites, especially when played fast and furiously!

 Yeah, life is swell.

You know it's Right when it hurts.

The past few days have been, in a word, painful.

It began normal enough, attending the base-wide sessions and lectures this week as part of the DTS. During one session, the Leadership Team spoke about the importance of maintaining relationships with other YWAM bases and locations our base has previously visited or had connections with. As I looked at the list (a mixture of UK, European, African, Asian, and South American locations), I was ecstatic to see that two locations that I have had a heart for (down to the exact city) were up on the list! I furiously scribbled them down on my groups' Top Ten List we'd been asked to pray about. As we joined another group in discussion about what our bases Top Ten locations should be, I felt, with absolute certainty, that I was to tell the group to cross BOTH of my ideal locations off. I was in such a state of shock and disappointment that I physically could not open my mouth to tell the group. The more I prayed and fought God, the more intense the feeling became. "God, you KNOW I have a passion for both these countries! You know that I've been praying about these places; why would you ask me to give them up?"
As a painful groan escaped my lips, I said as loudly as I could force my vocal chords, "Cross both ________ and _________ off the list." When another member of the team confirmed that she'd felt the same, I felt an incredible sense of dread overwhelm me. 
If God put a desire, passion, dream in my heart, isn't it right that I pursue them? Would a loving God make me give up something like that?
It took an entire morning of weeping and prayer from multiple people for me to realize that I'd been holding on so tightly to these locations that I had begun to believe that I couldn't have a heart for anywhere else. These were MY countries; everywhere else was secondary. Jaime, a fellow staff and dear friend, prayed for me and had a picture for me:

You're sitting at a table with God,

telling Him about everything you love and all

your desires and dreams. God is looking

down at a book and this hurts you.

You ask Him why He's not paying attention

to you, why He's not listening.

He holds up the book and you realize

He's been writing down all your dreams and desires.

He knows your passions and has them recorded;

He has not forgotten and will not forget.

He can and will still use these passions for His glory,

whether that be now or much later. 

Needless to say, I began to ball my eyes out again. I'd become so used to seeing God as someone who purposely makes me uncomfortable and pulls me away from my desires and wants, that I'd forgot that God is a Comforter, He never forgets, and He always has our best interest at heart. It's still difficult, giving something up that you desperately long for. But I know that only after letting go can you receive the fullness of God's blessings and goodness. Painful, hurting, but healing and ready to move on. 

 

No Two Things...

The September quarter has begun here in Harpenden, meaning the beginning of a new DTS, a new season, new faces, and so on. Let me start off by saying that as much as my brain tries to draw comparisons between this past season and the one that I'm am currently entering, there is NO comparison, nor should there be, really.

The current DTS has 31 students, 25 of which are girls (a drastic shift from the last school here, out of the 20 students, 7 were female). This school is not only different when comparing demographics, but has an entirely different feel to it. Within the first 3 days of lectures, we, collectively as a DTS, were balling our eyes out and having immense revelation about the character of God.  

Soraya and I (yep, friends)

Basically, I love this school. Beautiful people. Beautiful faces. Good times ahead.

What happens when I listen to DC Talk...

I don't know what's come over me. Well, no, that's a lie; I know exactly what's come over me, but it still continues to shock me every time I experience it. 
This may come across as a silly, rather insignificant post, but something has come to my attention that I thought would never happen; I hate the mall.
Yes, dear Reader, you read correctly; I honestly have a deep resentment of the mall. I noticed this yesterday, while shopping in downtown Newcastle (I'm here for a week-off). Whilst casually strolling through Elton Square, I saw numerous stores, both designer and affordable, lining the seemingly never-ending halls. I entered a few stores, most of whose items were far beyond my price range, and reveled in the glamour of it all. And then it hit me, the ridiculousness of it all. Here I was, standing in a shrine, ultimately, which glorified human wealth, power, greed, and vanity...and I was enjoying myself! 
Now, I understand how melodramatic that sounds, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was reminded of a documentary I watched a few years back where the narrator had mentioned that only a short while ago, people gathered at the Church to celebrate and embrace community. Now, we gather at the mall, a symbol of our own vanity and desire to assimilate ourselves to an unattainable ideal of beauty and status. I remember being astonished when I'd watched that film, and the the same sense of astonished disgust filled me again yesterday. 
Last Friday, while making breakfast with one of the women I'll be staffing with, Taryn, we listened to DC Talk, singing along to the songs that brought back our childhood (Thank you Dad). One of the songs, "What Have We Become", has a lyric in it which says, "What have we become? A self-indulgent people, what have we become? Tell me where are the righteous ones, what have we become? In a world degenerating, what have we become?". I remember it was the first time I'd actually paid attention to the lyrics and felt them resonate with me like never before.
 Like I said, maybe this post is random and is simply me processing my own thoughts online. But I think it's at least something to consider...maybe even learn from.

Complete.

Our staff team

 And thus ends a wonderful, challenging, exciting era in my life. I've wrote about what a great time these past few months have been, so I won't bore you with more adjectives and sappy analogies. However, I did want to show you a few pictures of the people who have been in my life. Granted, these are only a few pictures (yes, I did choose the ones where I thought I looked best), but they are memories and amazing people all the same.

Sharen and I

It's funny; I thought I would miss everyone a lot more than I currently do. I'd expected streams of mascara running down my face and mucus pouring out every orifice of my puffy, miserable-looking face. However, thankfully, this was not the case. I do miss them, obviously, but not in a sad way. I suppose this is partially due the fact that many of the students are traveling and are in and out of the base. But, I think it's also because I don't view this as "goodbye" for many of them. In fact, I expect to see many of them coming back to staff more DTS's in the near future. And, if not that, I expect many road trips and reunions over the upcoming years. I've made many friendships that I intend to last quite a long time, and I believe they shall. Good times ahead!

Staff on the Oval

 

Key Lime Cheesecake Day (or A Lazy, Hazy Weekend)

Summer has FINALLY arrived here in England. And by that, I simple mean that we've had four days of consecutive heat and sun! So, what does one do when the sunshine is out and every England native is desperately tearing apart their wardrobe trying to find suitable attire (let's face it, none of us saw this one coming)? While most people are outdoors soaking up some rays, I've opted to remain indoors this morning and bake. Surprising because I never used to bake back home (my sister's the talented one in that regard). However, I've discovered that I really, genuinely enjoy baking nowadays. There are the obvious reasons why I love baking; the fun of tying on my apron and frolicking in the kitchen, whisk in hand, singing "My Sharona" at the top of my lungs whilst sampling my dish every ten seconds. But I've also realized there's more to baking that I enjoy. I love the finished product, not just for taste, but because it reminds me that all things come to a finish, a delicious closure, if you will. And now that the Impact UK DTS is nearing it's own closure (three more days!), it seems only fitting that I remind myself that finishing is often sweet...

It's been a long eight months and, though I can't honestly admit to enjoying every bit of it, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I grew deeper in my relationship with God, I learned that I am more than my past, present, and future. I met amazing people, people who have changed my life in, hopefully, similar ways to how I've changed theirs. I've seen God move in ways I've never witnessed before, and been able to be apart of them, too. God's reminded me of my dreams and the things I desire, not selfishly, but the things He's placed in my heart and desires for me as well. Overall, it's been a good year.

Granted, it's always slightly disheartening when I'm finished baking. I'm left to clean up and put the kitchen back in order again. But it was fun while it lasted and I know that I'll be back the next day with some new recipe and some new mishaps and deliciousness. 

Which is why I'm also excited for this next September DTS. Much fewer staff, many more students with a higher female/male ratio, and a whole new experience (or recipe!). I'll admit that I feel this new school will be tough, quite challenging. But I suppose it's like taking on a creme brule recipe after having just mastered oatmeal cookies; this is a new challenge that will be possibly more complicated, but just as delicious, and maybe even more so now that I know what I'm doing! 

Questions.

There are people walking about, wandering aimlessly through the heavy excitement and anticipation. All appear unaware of the large paint smear that hangs in the air above their heads. Not a beautiful, abstract smear that one can admire, but a grotesque, undefinable smear that taints the blue sky above. It takes me a moment to realize this is more than just an artists' error; it's an error of my own making. Where there once was a definite, if not slightly blurry, picture of God in everyone's mind, there is now a heavily disfigured, confused blur. With every voice that screams "God Hates", "God Loves", "God is Mormon", "God is Islamic", "God is Vegan", "There is no God", "God Forgives", the smear grows and grows in size. And I sit back and wonder, "Am I making this picture any clearer or simply adding to the noise?"

This was my experience when I was in Stratford this past Friday. You often hear people speak of "spiritual heaviness", but it's an entirely different matter to experience it firsthand. With so many leaflets, tracts, and pamphlets being thrust into peoples hands as they walk on by, how can anyone know what's true? Even more worrisome than that, how can anyone know who God is?

We know that God can do all things and that, through Christ, all things are possible, but I have to sit back and wonder sometimes, "Are we actually working WITH God, or are we working for ourselves"? When we go out to evangelize, whatever that looks like, are we listening to the Holy Spirit and being guided by Him, or are we following a formula created by man which has left the Church in its' current state? These are the questions I find myself asking myself when I go out now. As a human, there's only so much I can do in my own strength. The human soul is the heaviest thing to move and so it's only through Holy Spirit that lives can be restored and redeemed. 

The strength of man is fleeting, 

and earthly glory rusts with time.

But the strength of the Lord endures all things 

and His glory lasts throughout the ages.